Episode Transcript
Speaker 0 00:00:00 Well, um, I think in high school there was kind of a small community. Most of us had called ourselves allies and later came out as LGBTQ. Um, but honestly I met most of them in choir and I had a lot of friends that were involved in band in high school. Um, so music was an opportunity for me to come meet people with similar identities as myself, even if most of us didn't understand completely what our identities were. Um, but it still felt like a very small kind of almost secretive community.
Speaker 2 00:00:48 You're listening to sound mind where queer voices across Minnesota explore mental health through art. I'm Jane Ram siren Miller artistic director of one voice mixed chorus. Minnesota is lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and straight allies. Chorus. We acknowledged that sound mind is produced and our singers reside on the sacred traditional lands of the Dakota and initial NABI people. In this episode, meet Victoria Evans, our recent graduate of the university of Minnesota Morris, a school located out on the Minnesota Prairie about halfway between Minneapolis and Fargo, North Dakota, Victoria. And I first met by phone and then over zoom. I remember thinking for a recent college grad navigating life in the middle of a pandemic. This young woman really has her stuff together.
Speaker 0 00:01:42 My name is Victoria Evans. I use she, they pronouns. Um, I grew up in central Minnesota. Um, in cold spring, I attended the university of Minnesota Morris for music, vocal performance and gender women's sexuality studies. I graduated the spring of 2020 and am now living back near my hometown. I'm in Waite park and I'm attending or sorry, I'm um, working for the McCarthy center for public policy and civic engagement at the university of St. John's. I'm a singer. I am, I also play piano, um, have been involved in music my entire life. I just, the summer moved into my first, um, apartment by myself with my cat.
Speaker 2 00:02:33 Yeah. As I'm looking at you, you are framed by these holiday lights and instruments all over the wall. It's a fun snapshot for me to sort of get to know you visually really nice. That's really nice.
Speaker 0 00:02:46 I have my piano and my guitars in the background. Um, all my little various instruments that I grew up with. So it's kind of a comforting space for me in a productive space for me to do my work as well. I had a wonderful childhood. Um, my family, I kind of have a big family. I have three siblings. We grew up with lots of pets and my parents were very centered on kind of raising us with the idea that curiosity and exploration is the best way to learn. Um, so me and all three of my siblings were put in piano lessons when we were about four years old and that really fostered a great foundation for music. I think learning, learning how to read music for me was a very big thing. The town I grew up in was very, not very diverse, um, and very kind of a close knit community.
Speaker 0 00:03:37 You know, it seemed like everybody knew my parents, everyone knew my family's name, but you kind of see a very small slice of the universe in a small town. Like Coldspring. So when I was in high school, I was kind of starting to feel for the first time that I wasn't completely straight. Um, but at that point I felt kind of, you know, because I think it's complicated, um, falling into a sexuality like bisexuality, because part of me was able to say, oh, I'm attracted to men. So I can't be gay. You know, I identify as bisexual. Um, but I have adopted the word queer, especially in academic language. So yeah,
Speaker 2 00:04:22 It's not easy to come out as bisexual. I know this firsthand 30 years ago when I came out as BI to my parents, my dad asked, are you sure you're not a lesbian? And you're just trying to make it easier on us. I remember thinking, believe me, this is not easier. Some people think that bisexual individuals are just attracted to everybody. Not. So for me, I would say that there have been very few people in my life that I have been strongly attracted to in trying to help my parents understand. I explained that I'm simply attracted to certain people, but not a particular gender, even in queer communities. People who identify as BI are often brushed aside or seen as a transitional identity between gay and straight. It's not surprising that Victoria needed time to fully understand her queer identity as a bisexual person. Of course, being BI is a full and unique identity that deserves the same visibility and celebration that every sexual identity should have for Victoria choir was a part of her coming out. But before that a central element of her growing up experience.
Speaker 0 00:05:34 Yeah, so I always sang in church choir growing up. And when I was in middle school in high school, I sang in my, um, the choir at school and chamber. I think it was called jazz singers in high school. And then throughout high school, I was a part of the youth Perella central Minnesota, which is, um, uh, chorus in central Minnesota for high school students to come together from different communities and sing together. That was a very wonderful experience for me. That is kind of where I fostered my, um, passion for creating music as a group and singing with, you know, it was a fairly large group of musicians, but that was a great chance for me to meet, you know, lots of people, not many from Coldspring, but there was a lot of people from St cloud, um, different areas around central Minnesota. And that was a wonderful experience for me and kind of pushed me to challenge myself, musically challenged myself socially as well.
Speaker 0 00:06:39 Um, I kind of grew up a shy kid. Um, and so being exposed to people from a lots of different backgrounds was very important to me as well. So when I was looking for a college, I knew I wanted to study music. I didn't exactly know where that would take me. I also kind of had an idea that I wanted to double major. I kind of wanted to explore myself academically. So I had, you know, going in, I wanted to explore music because that's where I was passionate. Um, but I kind of wanted there to be room for me to explore. And so I really wanted to, um, find a liberal arts college for myself. Morris had a very, very welcoming community that I just fell in love with immediately. Um, especially the, the music faculty that I was meeting with and interviewing with, um, people are I accepted, um, my placement in Morris, um, it really kind of made me feel like it was a safe community for me to explore myself academically, socially, internally. And it really was, um, when I attended Morris, you know, going in my first semester because it was liberal arts, I got to take a few different classes that I might not have considered. Originally. I took, um, an introduction to gender women's sexuality studies class my first semester. And that ended up being the other major that I pursued while I was in, in Morris,
Speaker 2 00:08:08 The academic discipline of gender and women's studies has come up a few times in our sound mind episodes. And that's no surprise. The first women's studies course was taught by us Australian, feminist scholar, Madge Dawson at the university of Sydney, way back in 1956, the course was then called women in a changing world, which focused on the socioeconomic and political status of women in Western Europe. But since that time women's studies departments have grown to include gender studies at many institutions. There are currently more than 700 women's studies departments in the United States. You might remember Candace Creel Falcon from sound mind, episode two. She taught in the same field. In addition to cutting edge scholarship. These academic departments can be a Haven and source of self-discovery for queer people at colleges and universities.
Speaker 0 00:09:04 It wasn't really until college that I was sort of, um, feeling comfortable exploring that side of myself. Um, I think there was a lot of years where I was just kind of pushing it away. Um, just not letting myself think about it or not letting myself talk about it. I wasn't really looking for the resources that would've helped me feel better about myself earlier. Um, but attending college, I think many college campuses are a great place for people to kind of explore their identities, meet people that might, um, kind of encourage them to be theirselves. So I think about my sophomore year of college, I started to realize that I was attracted to women. Um, I was attracted to people of all genders, and that was a really important realization for me, especially being, um, in a gender women's sexuality program. That was an opportunity for me to learn about different sexualities and kind of learn the background of queer history, learning my place and starting to feel more comfortable, acknowledging the different aspects of my identity.
Speaker 2 00:10:21 I can vouch for Morris being a welcoming community. A few years ago, I was doing college visits with a young woman who grew up across the street. She calls me her fairy godmother. We visited three colleges with dozens of touring students, where we were shown the gym and the sports programs, even though she was interested in elementary education. Finally, we drove through the Minnesota Prairie past lake, after lake, and ended up at the university of Minnesota Morris campus. There we were greeted at the admissions office with a huge welcome sign made personally for her. The staff completely ignored me and focused entirely on my young friend and her specific interests. It was no surprise when she chose an eventually graduated from Morris a few years before Victoria entered as a student, Hey, they even sang in the same university concert choir.
Speaker 0 00:11:16 I started dating a trans woman, my sophomore year of college. Um, and I think my friends kind of knew I didn't talk about it a whole lot. Um, because at that point I was still kind of trying to find a word for my sexuality. Um, at that point I, I just kind of identified as queer. I didn't know, you know, I don't know if I'm a lesbian. I don't know if I'm bisexual. I don't know if I'm straight and exploring, you know, it's a very difficult thing to navigate, especially when there's, you know, there's lots of, lots of things to consider when you're, um, exploring yourself and, you know, it's a scary world we live in. Um, I was very shy. I didn't want to tell anybody. Um, I think I told my friends first because, um, in Morris there was kind of a heavy queer presence.
Speaker 0 00:12:08 And so a lot of my friends were queer and I was able to talk to them openly about my feelings. And they knew that I didn't kind of have an exact label for what I was, but they knew that I was, um, kind of exploring that part of me after my first or second date with this woman. I called my mom. Um, I remember I was just sitting in my apartment in Morris and I just called her up. And I said, I went on a date today and she asked who I was on a date with. And I said, her name is Zoe. And it was, my mom took it really well. She loves me, she supports me. And it was kind of one of the first moments where I had said it out loud. And it was a moment for me to realize that my mom's gonna love me no matter what.
Speaker 0 00:12:59 And I'm very lucky to be able to say that, um, from there, you know, over the next couple of months, I came out to the rest of the members of my family, but I think that was the most important one was for me to talk to my mom. You know, I had never kept any sort of secret from her before then. Um, so it felt really good to finally tell her how I was feeling and kind of let her in on this part of me in college, especially music was something that really, um, made me feel safe, comfortable. I could be as part of the world or as little of the world as I wanted to be in a little practice room. Um, it was a way for me to kind of cope with, um, my anxiety. I've been, um, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder when I was 14.
Speaker 0 00:13:51 Um, and you know, with mental illness, um, you have the good years and the bad years. And I think my, my sophomore year as I was coming out, it was, it was a hard time for me. Um, but music was definitely something that helped me cope with both sides of that. You know, I was having anxiety because I was learning something about myself and music was an opportunity for me to be alone in the practice room, making music, hearing that music and knowing that my body could create something so beautiful. And that was a really empowering moment for me. Um, in both my queerness and my anxiety to kind of just be alone, creating something that made me feel good
Speaker 2 00:14:40 In this next segment, you'll hear the university of Minnesota Morris concert choir singing a song called refining by twin cities, composer, Ralph Johnson. It was a new commission based on a poem by Morris English, professor emerita, Vicki Graham, and Victoria sang in this recording in 2017. I love that the poem talks about being refined by breaks and bends in nature, but also in life, check out the complete lyrics on our sound mind website <inaudible>
Speaker 0 00:18:24 So we had choir, um, concert choir rehearsal Monday through Thursday for about an hour and a half in the evening. And as we would walk into class, everyone would sit down, you know, we're waiting for Brad to start rehearsal almost every day. He started, um, he started rehearsal by saying, you leave your stress and your baggage at the door. And it's up to you, whether you pick that up, when you leave,
Speaker 2 00:18:50 Brad is Bradley Miller associate professor of music at the university of Minnesota Morris. I met Brad on an airplane, flying back from an American choral directors association conference. We were seated next to each other and struck up a great conversation. I was struck by bread's deep and gentle caring for his students and his expansive love of choral music out of that airplane conversation. Brad and I planned this exciting collaboration between his Morris university choir and one voice we were going to tour out there last fall before the pandemic kept us all at home. So Brad was one of the first people I called when sound mind was beginning to take shape. He introduced me to Victoria as a perfect person to interview for this podcast. I love Brad's gentle invitation to his singers. I think I'll integrate it into my rehearsals when we're back singing live together.
Speaker 0 00:19:48 And that statement has stayed with me. I think about it so often, especially when I'm playing music or singing. Um, just the sentiment that right now, this is what your mind should be focusing on. You know, we're here to create music. We're here to connect. You don't need to think about your test tomorrow. You don't need to think about whatever is weighing on you. This is your chance to be stress-free. And, you know, it seems simple to just say, don't worry about it, but it really created a space that was stress-free and it, it allowed us to connect with each other on a deeper level. You know? Um, I think a lot of people simply just say, I'm going to unplug, you know, I'm not going to look at my phone and that's very helpful, but also you need to kind of, you need to take away the bad energy that's weighing on you in your head as well.
Speaker 0 00:20:47 Um, it always created a space for really productive rehearsal and productive bonding and, you know, musically and personally, you know, we all had very, um, whether or not you had good relationships with every person in the choir. The choir had a good relationship as a whole. It helps me remind myself that I love myself and that I'll always have music to lean on, you know, no matter what else is going on in your life, you still have that one thing that you're passionate about and that makes you happy. Um, music for me was very empowering, especially, you know, in my journey to come out as queer, um, dealing with things. It, it was something that I had a connection with myself. I could connect with other people in the choir. I could connect with people on stage, but most importantly, it was a chance for me to be myself and be creating music that made me happy.
Speaker 2 00:21:49 Victoria is senior recital included one of my all time. Favorite Arias, the honors day from box B minor mass. You'll hear an excerpt here and a link to her full recital. Recording is on. You guessed it, the sound mind website for a music major, creating your senior recital is a big deal. You prepare for years researching and selecting the music, working with your teachers and voice coaches for this major performance moment. Well, that's how it usually works unless your senior recital is scheduled in the first months of a global pandemic.
Speaker 0 00:22:27 And so my senior cycle ended up being just a YouTube video, which was very different than what I was expecting, but I was very lucky. My parents helped me so much, um, right as we were kind of going home for the pandemic and, you know, for learning at home, the, um, our schools accompanists, um, are the people who we would reach out for accompaniment, um, had just made recordings for us. Um, so Rebecca Hein, my accompanist for my senior recital had sent me some recordings of just her playing piano. And so that was my confident I had, you know, I had my speaker playing in the background and I just saying, saying in my little room in the basement, um, and for my senior recital, we ended up, we asked St Monica's church, if we could use that space for my recital and they were happy to do so. And so I just spent the whole day with my parents. My dad would press play and my mom would start recording. And that's how my senior recital happens. Um, so it was very different. I I'm really lucky that my parents were able to be there. So I had some sort of an audience. Um, and they're the audience
Speaker 0 00:24:25 Oh, man. I feel like it's, it's been very up and down for me. Um, especially graduating in a pandemic was a very strange experience. You know, we, we all went home for Morris thinking that we'd see each other in a couple of weeks and we never got to go back. So I never got to say goodbye to my roommate. I didn't get to say about it in my best friends. I didn't get to say goodbye to the faculty. Um, it just kind of, you know, it ended without warning. And so there's a lot for me to deal with college had been my safe space for a very long time. Um, and just, you know, not having that and not when, especially when you're not sure if you're going to get it back. It's very scary. Yeah. I was, I was very lucky that I was able to move in with my parents.
Speaker 0 00:25:18 Um, as soon as we went home, my parents and I have a very great relationship and it was, it was honestly very wonderful being able to spend so much time with them, even if we all had different stressors. You know, my dad still is expected to go to work every day, um, because he's an essential worker. Um, my mom always worked from home. Um, and so it was very strange kind of being isolated with them. I live alone, but I do see my partner mostly every weekend. Um, we've kind of just decided that we're each other's bubble for COVID, which is, has been really great to be able to see him every, every couple of days or every other week. However often we are able to see each other. Um, and it also has kind of built stronger relationships digitally as well. You know, I'm, I'm not on the phone with my mom almost every day.
Speaker 0 00:26:12 Um, my friends and I are still able to, you know, have a zoom call, um, you know, even just texting a friend, you know, we're finding new ways to communicate. Um, but I think we're all kind of missing that face-to-face interaction. There has been an opportunity to connect digitally, you know, I'm, I'm seeing some people more than I have in the past just because we're, you know, we're prioritizing checking in on each other. And so even if it's just a zoom call, that's still an opportunity for you to, um, you know, check in on your friends and kind of be a support system, even if we can't be face to face. Um, another thing is I've been sending letters, so yeah, right after I graduated, I sent some thank you cards in the mail to my professors that have really, you know, made a difference for me.
Speaker 0 00:27:09 And that was kind of a great chance to, you know, show that I'm appreciative without having to schedule a zoom call or something, you know, it's something that they can hold on to if they choose to. And it's a chance for me to kind of say everything I need to say and send it off. Um, I've definitely been journaling more, um, kind of taking time to think, especially living alone, you know, um, I either talked to my boyfriend or my mom on the phone every day, but just writing down how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking about has also been a positive change. I do want to pursue grad school in the next few years. I want to study musicology and, you know, study women in music history with the goal of being an author and professor, hopefully. Um, so this is kind of a great opportunity for me right now, because after this year or after two years, it's kind of the perfect chance to be applying for grad school.
Speaker 0 00:28:09 After that point, I am so passionate about romantic era music, especially like a French art song or like French melody, but I am very passionate about Clara Schumann. Um, my junior year I got funding to do, um, a lecture recital on her life and her relationships, uh, that was funded by the, the undergraduate research opportunities program. That was my favorite thing that I've ever been able to do. Honestly, I got to research and create, you know, this presentation and also I got to perform some of her piano works and her leader. I think one of my favorite songs in my like academic life is probably Clara Schumann's Lorelei. It's very, you know, it's a strong story. It's a very intense musical piece. That was one of the funnest pieces I've ever been able to perform. Clara
Speaker 2 00:29:08 Schumann born in 1819 was married to composer Robert Schuman, and was also a very close friend of Yohanna's Brahms. Both men who received huge public recognition for their work as composers. It's no wonder that Clara struggled with a lifelong battle between her expected role as a mother and her passion as a composer back then they called depression, melancholia and women who, for whatever reason, didn't fulfill the usual gender, our mothering roles were often diagnosed some kind of illness. Interestingly, at the time Clara composed the Lorelei, she was probably suffering from postpartum depression following the birth of her son. <inaudible> I found this incredible jazz setting of R D Lorelei that you need to check out on the sound mind website, but back to Victoria's focus on women composers and her summer plans.
Speaker 0 00:30:54 Um, so this summer I was offered a research internship with a dual NJ initiative. Um, and that, that I think is one of the opportunities that I wouldn't have found if we weren't in a pandemic because it's fully remote. Um, but with that work, I am contributing to a database of, um, music by women composers. And so over the summer, we focused on, um, women of color composers. And so, you know, my work is mostly researching locating scores and inputting it into this database where it's easy to find and it's all in one place. Um, but this last semester I focused on Claire Schuman and now I'm working on Hildegard of Bingen, which are two of my favorite women composers. I'm still expanding my repertoire of women, composers, which is something that I want it to be continue. I want to continue doing that for the rest of my life,
Speaker 2 00:31:51 Victoria, I am struck by your passion for your work and by your candid, willingness to name your own journey with mental illness. That's no small thing in a culture that still places, so much shame connected to anxiety and depression. Even when, according to NAMI one in five adults in the U S experience, mental illness experiences like a global pandemic exacerbate mental health issues for everyone. Staff from NAMI, the national Alliance on mental illness told me their call volume is up 35% during the pandemic people have no in-person support groups or community centers to go to mental health groups like NAMI, a partner for this podcast continue to offer crucial support. NAMI is also raising public awareness, stigma, busting. I love that term and advocating for better mental health care for all check out their resources on our webpage. I asked Victoria what she was looking forward to once this pandemic was over.
Speaker 0 00:32:54 I definitely want to find a choir to sing with as often as possible. I think that's the biggest thing that I'm missing right now, but I've also, I just really, really want a pretzel from the mall. I said that like the first week of the pandemic, my brother asked me, what do you miss most? And I said, I just want to pretzel from the mall,
Speaker 2 00:33:17 Victoria. It is obvious that your strong family support and the gift of music that surrounds you is a big part of the groundedness that I saw shining from you in our very first conversation. Your passion for women composers reminded me of this song called lift me up by St. Paul composer and a friend of one voice. Linda Kaka Meyer lift me up is performed here by one voice acapella ensemble ovation directed by Gary Rushman. And you can view the entire virtual video performance on our website. Lift me up is dedicated to Victoria and to NAMI Minnesota with thanks for your mental health stigma, busting and support for individuals across Minnesota
Speaker 2 00:35:45 This concludes episode four of sound mind from one voice mixed chorus, Minnesota's LGBTQ and straight allies chorus. This podcast is made possible by the voters of Minnesota through the Minnesota state arts board. Thanks to a legislative appropriation from the arts and cultural heritage fund. Yay, Minnesota voters. If you want to support this podcast, there is a one voice donation button at the bottom of the sound mind webpage, all gifts are graciously welcomed. Thank you to audio engineer playwright and all around smart tech person. Paul Cruz. Join us for the next sound mine episode to meet Sarah Thompson. Sarah is a singer songwriter who performs across the Midwest and beyond she founded and serves as the artistic director of echoes of peace. Dubbed. One of Northern Minnesota is best kept secrets. She lives on a small farm with gardens and chickens and her wife, Paula.
